Gone forever is a long time gone
was won by The Order of the Eastern Star on Feb 21, 3018
The heat was so oppressive.
"Go to sector 666, you worthless machine. You too, Flambe. Screw this whole place!"
Bill Bonic screamed as he smacked the machine for the third time in a row.
It was only 40 starbux lost but it was the principle. He cursed the Weapon Shop of Zoltar
to unreasonable lengths of time to undesirable places and kicked the machine one more time for good luck,
hoping to jar the urine blaster loose. "Oh well." He thought about pissing on the vending machine with his own
urine blaster, but decided that he needed to get to Syawillim before it was too late.
He had a meeting with "T.he F.ool w.hom O.bjects" and he knew the later he arrived,
the more he knew the maniac would be lost in the sauce and space hash.
He was sweating in his ACME red rocket boots and it was time to get off this heat hole.
A quick stop at his Batterymart to pick up batteries for his vibrators.
The fool was known to mix business with pleasure. As soon as he entered the building,
Bill heard the clickity clack of polished boots down the Bo M aisle and cringed.
Salen was back and he knew that he wanted more batteries....Bill started taking off his shirt..."
Knowing he would have to bring offerings of tacos and spliffs, he popped over to Hedrok and stopped at Zedbertos.
The place was in full swing, the customers dancing the night away to the tune of "Salty Bob's Salty Knob" and
Lawnguy Land Ice teas in nearly every hand or tentacle. Or robot claw. You get the point.
"Maxburlaxxxr, welcome to Zebertos dood." said the orange-skinned alien with protruding eyes.
He had a horrible blonde wig on and it was sliding out of his Zedbertos paper uniform hat.
It was rumored that these aliens had been bred with a president from Earth from the 21st century,
known as the worst President of all time, and a Taco Bell employee. For you that are not current on
21st century history, Taco Bell was a fast food chain where you could get really shitty "American Mexican"
food that was super cheap and it filled your belly, even if you paid more "in the end".
The chain sadly evaporated in the great Food Wars of 2082.
Those 80's weren't as cool as the 1980's. Just saying. But I digress.
"Can I take a order please?" the alien asked.
"2 sweaty tacos and a bottle of Galaxia Morado" Bill demanded.
"Ah, the Mac3sum combo. Would you like to Yuge-size that?" the orange alien with a bad blonde wig replied.
"No, Bigly-sized please." Bill Bonic told him.
A blue-skinned being with a glowing 3rd eye bumped into him, spilling her/his/it's drink. "Sorry spitbag."
it barely was able to mumble the words. He didn't have time to even laugh as he grabbed his greasy bag from
the vending slot and ran out the door.
He took an Oober and flipped through the touch pad looking for his destination. Ahlnuldia, Barnimus,
Boria, Earth. He flipped his finger quickly to scroll down towards the bottom. New Ceylon. The Oober
spacecraft shot off with a "zooooOOOOM" and soon he had had arrived. Bill popped into the finest
dispensary on the planet : Jungle Boyz. The place was filled with Rastafarmers. He laughed at the pre-rolls,
knowing those were for wooks and went straight for the top shelf hash.
"Laser-blasted space Rosin, mon. The strain is called 'Afternoon DeLIGHT'. Straight from New Cey.
No solvents just straight up fire. $100 spacebux a gram." announced the budtender."Can I get 10 grams of that Rosin."
Billy asked. He slapped down a thousand spacebux and tipped the budtender a Norton.
The Oober was still there so Bill Bonic jumped in and tapped Syawillim into the touch screen.
The place was packed. There were Hipster Crickets and Mamma Mantis', and El Chapulin Rosados.
A few bears, a couple sheep shaggers and what he was pretty sure was a bacon salt fairy.
Mnarilyn MnoMno and Bendy Wendy were singing space karaoke on stage. It was like Earth karaoke but in space.
Billy walked over to The Fool whom Objects. He was sitting alone at a table with his back to the room.
Already you could tell he was in the thick of it. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the pungent smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath; he had a broad face and a little round
belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. he was chubby and plump, a right jolly
old elf, and Bill laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself. He had seven empty Suffering Bastard
cups on the table, an eighth in his hand (3.5 grams). He also had an 8th Suffering Bastard in his other hand.
He only had two hands.
Billy approached the man "I come gearing bifts." He was so nervous. "Rather, I come bearing gifts.
The finest laser-blasted rosin from New Ceylon and a bunch of that funky stuff." He offered the treats to The Fool.
"I hear if I pay tribute to you, that you will sing of the last great war. I beg of you, fool, pray tell us what you know."
The fool grabbed his laser torch, heated up the space nail and did a big glob of hash. It was kind.
The smoke plumed out of his nostrils, sliding diagonally toward the ground as the cloud bounced off his septum ring.
He lit a spliff and coughed. Then suddenly, clear as crystal,
(clear crystals. I know there are crystals that aren't clear) he belted out :
"The Last War of 3018
It was quiet at first
Let me tell you what i have seen
But allow me to quench my thirst (TFwO takes a swing from his Suffering Bastard)
Illuminati laid low, promosing no allegiance
Amaranths sleeping except for Raventree
It seemed to be in agreeance
That this war was between one and another society
Olaf was the only Triad worth mention
Liyana, pondpal, captaneric, Noskilz, Hadjuk, cuadBelle so mellow
Starker, dugannash, assmoppet, crashnburn11 also played in our dimension
xKiv, Langers, baughmjk, McFeisty and sadieseaside made up the Oddfellow
They all gathered for one last round
We chose our side, you chose yours
The shot heard around the galaxy made no sound
Inciting the Secret Society Wars
Salen my right hand man, a chaotic evil man true and true
Don't forget the secret squirrel storing nuts known as sallyfox
Captainlongdong seemed indecided, bouncing back from red to blue
And the reason why ES won this war, zydecopolka, pumping me full of spacebux
Our silent partner prydera came through in a clutch
He ran into a Hall Monitor, his hands full
Gaining power with the Red hot Eastern touch
I see you there, you red-eyed bull
We sexored and pvp'd until we were dead
We travelled over sectors, looking for the disappearing Mars
We bleed. We love. Our hearts. The color red.
We are the Eastern Stars.
We warred, we won, we lost, we even took a break
I never had so much fun in space
So many new friends I did make
So many memories that I simply can't erase
I feel like I've formed a clan
Oh yeah, I should probably go see Sid and sell my junk
Game over man?
Thank you Norton, thank you munk."
Gone forever is a long time gone..........
All statistics are based on players who have logged in within the last 30 days of a win, and have played over 1000 turns in that game cycle.